Stuck in the Middle With You
by Enchiridion88
Summary: Mordecai awakes on a strange day to find himself stuck. Both Rigby and Benson have massive crushes on him. Will one win out in the end or is there something else diabolical going on! (plz read and review, no flames plz, NSFW)
1. A Serious Dilemna

This will be my only serious Author's Note. I felt like making this so I made it. This is a comedic critique of the board in its current state. If you get offended by this, interpret it however you wish (either I'm mean or you need better material). If you can guess the movie I got inspiration from for this, you win.

Enjoy!

"no flames please"

* * *

Like every single other day, the sun rose brightly over the horizon. It shown with bright brilliance and brightness. The rays of the sun that was also golden and yellow were bright also and shown upon the early city.

Mordecai lay asleep on his bed, completely incapacitated. He snored groggily. Little did he know what was occurring around him.

On the other side of the room, his best friend Rigby woke up off his trampoline. The raccoon looked over at his passed out friend. He stood up and made his way over to his friend's bed. He stood there staring at the blue jay. _"Damn, Mordecai is looking so sexy right now. Wait... did I just think that?"_ he thought to himself. _"I can't believe how much I love Mordecai. I've never felt this way about anyone before, especially Eileen."_

Rigby even leaned over and smelled him. The Axe brand Axe Shampoo and Body Wash (Bearglove) smelt divine. (That's my favorite if you couldn't tell!)

All of a sudden, the door opened as Benson walked in. "Are looking at Rigby?" Benson asked.

Rigby nodded solemnly. Benson replied, "Okay me too." They both stood together staring at Mordecai sleep for several hours. Benson had his fill after this and sauntered off to do work. Rigby still kept staring at him, though, entranced by Mordecai. "Kuwai..." Rigby muttered under his breath. (That means cute in Japanese, that's what they use in anime :3)

Mordecai began to open his eyes. They immediately shot open at what was occurring before him. "Uhhh..." Mordecai awkwardly uttered as Rigby stood hulking over him.

 _"Crap! Maybe he didn't notice me!"_ Rigby thought as he leapt in the air across the room. He landed in his trampoline but clipped the edge and the entire mass of raccoon, rubber, and dirty clothes collapsed into a giant pile. "Owwwww, owwww," Rigby groaned as stars danced above his head. He then got really angry that Mordecai didn't say anything! He didn't ask if he was okay or anything! _"What if he doesn't love me?! What if he hates me?!"_

Mordecai just sat there, stupefied. _"What actually just happened?"_ he wondered. It was the most strained, awkward maneuver he had ever witnessed.

All of a sudden, the door burst open with a _Bang!_ The duo turned to see two strangers in the doorway. They were both tall and had dreamy flowing hair. One wore a Lederhosen while the other had a black North Face jacket on.

"Who are you guys?" Mordecai asked, confused. Rigby just hoped they wouldn't touch his Mordecai.

"I'm Flarret Flobby Ferguson!" "And I'm Larry Lobbet Ferguson!" they both said in Austrian accents.

The four stood there in silence. "And...?" Mordecai urged the conversation onwards.

"We're Garret Bobby Ferguson's other sons!"

"Ja! And ve're here to get revenge, ja!"

At once the Lederhosen man (Flarret) ran and held Rigby to the trampoline. "Leave him alone! Don't touch my Mordecai!" Rigby screamed as he began thrashing at the strong, and rather gentle man.

Larry began pointing viciously at Mordecai, in a menacing manner. "Ja, ve mess you up! Ja!"

"Uh..." Mordecai stammered. His head was still dazed from just waking up. This literally occurred within a thirty second timespan since he was asleep.

Larry turned out of view and unzipped his fly. He peed onto the rug in the center of the room. "Aw, come on man, really?" Mordecai pleaded. He was angered, but not enough to actually get up from his bed.

"NO! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" Rigby screamed bloody murder out of nowhere and began thrashing slightly more.

Flarret pointed back and forth between Mordecai and his brother as he muttered awkwardly, "You see vhat happens. This is vhat happens."

"Ja!"

"You don't just piss on a man's rug, that's just rude," Mordecai complained.

Larry finished and pulled his zipper back up and turned to the blue jay, "Ja, now ve mess you up!"

"Ja, ve vill mess you up!"

"Ja!"

"Ja!"

"Ja?" Mordecai added.

"Ja!"

"Ja!"

The four were faced with another awkward silence. The two backed away, grinning menacingly, "Ja, ve come back later!"

"Ja! Ve come back later and ve mess you up!"

"Ja!"

"Ja!"

 _ **SLAM**_

The door slammed.

"Mordecai! Are you okay?!" Rigby screamed uncontrollably as he made it to his friend and began accidentally groping him inappropriately.

Mordecai just sat there confused. He thought of everything that went on that day, its whole ninety second span. First the staring, then peeing on the rug, and now this out of nowhere socially awkward raccoon groping all over him. He knew how days like these usually fair and that the mind is a dangerous tool. Mordecai sighed and said, "Whatever, man..."

* * *

At the park meeting, everything seemed... off... Mordecai could not quite place it, but everything seemed very off. He glanced to Pops, only there was no Pops. It was as if he was mysteriously and unceremoniously unwritten. As if he never existed. Muscle Man randomly shouted "MY MOM! HAHAHA!" to which High Five Ghost high fived as many people as possible. Thomas sat alone, twiddling his thumbs and looking scared of everyone there. Skips skipped skips skip in skipssssssssssssssssssssss. Mordecai struggled to overcome that mental hurdle.

Rigby was sweating anxiously, gripping the wooden stairs with his fingers to the point of them turning blue. He was biting his bottom lip in anticipation, which made him look creepy to Mordecai. But to everyone else and a legion of twelve year olds, this was perfectly sociable behavior. _"I hope Mordecai doesn't know I love him. I don't know how I can get him to love me. Why does he have to love that stupid CJ chick over me?!"_

Mordecai, meanwhile, just thought _"What the hell is Rigby's problem and why is so obsessed with liking me all of a sudden? Where did this even come from?!"_

The truth was that Rigby always liked Mordecai since they were infants and Rigby never had the chance to tell him or show him and he kept it inside until it began to build up too much so he is now beginning to show signs of liking Mordecai after so many years of builted up tension he even tried dating girls but it didnt work out because he liked Mordecai and guys I mean sure he helped him date Margaret and CJ but he wasn't experiencing the tension then and that's why he told his past self not to let Mordecai kiss CJ so he could date him instead and that leads to the predicament we have here. (It's like none of you know sociollogy, god!)

Benson slid like an anime character to the center in front of everyone. "Hello everyone and Mordecai." The blue jay looked so confused. "Today is a standard day and we have work to do."

"JOLLY GOOD SHOW!" Pops screamed as he leaped from a bush.

"AHHHHHH!" Mordecai shrieked. Everyone else treated it like normal.

"Hey Pops," Benson said before he looked at the blue jay. He got lost in his big, sparkly eyes. There were so pretty, like the ocean or the sunset. He regained himself, "Muscle Man and Fives will be raking leaves."

"MY MOM!"

"Yeah... Skips will be fixing the broken cart. Thomas will be working the snack machine. Rigby will be raking leaves while Mordecai will be cutting the grass."

"WHAT?! WHY CAN'T I WORK WITH MORDECAI?!" Rigby screamed as he stepped forward, pushing Skips and Thomas's heads out of the way to make his presence known.

"SIT DOWN OR YOUR FIRED!"

"Can I say something?" Mordecai said, "Yeah two guys broke into the house and were threatening us."

"BUT I ALWAYS WORK WITH HIM! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

"Guys?"

"DO YOUR JOB OR YOUR FIRED!" Benson looked like he was going to explode.

"Anyone? Anyone concerned about the break-in?" Everyone else simply walked away in a scripted fashion. "Anyone at all? No?"

"NGHUHHUGHHHH!" Rigby screamed as he sprinted away on all fours. He went under the bleachers and began to cry. He cried and cried and cried. He carved _M + R_ into the bleachers.

 _Later..._

Mordecai pulled out the lawn mower from the shed. He bended down, grabbed the cord, and began yanking on it. Benson watched from afar with binoculars. _"I've never felt this way about anyone before in my life,_ " Benson concluded. Mordecai kept up the jerking motions. Benson was drooling. Rigby was also staring in awe. Then he got it started up and started walking with it. To the two love interests watching, it looked to them like Mordecai was strutting his stuff.

All of a sudden, Mordecai got a text. As he pulled out his phone, Rigby pointed out, "H-H-Hey, where did you keep that?"

Despite the obvious awkward conversation, Mordecai realized this piece of logic. "Sh-sh-shut up," Mordecai blushed. He read the text.

 _Hey, wanna chill?_ from CJ.

"Hey, I'm gonna head out to the coffee shop to see CJ," Mordecai explained.

"UGH! You always spend time with her! WHAT ABOUT ME AND OUR BRO TIME?!" Rigby screamed, crying tremendously.

"Dude, what are you even talking about?"

"NGHHUUHHHAHHHH!" he screamed in frustration as he began beating up a bush with the rake. Somehow, Rigby starting losing.

Mordecai rolled his eyes as his friend ended his fit, they got into the cart, and sped off.

 _"This day has been so weird... just so, absolutely weird... Well first things first, I need a new carpet. It really tied the room together. But other than that, this whole day has been... out of character. There's no way to describe it."_

He looked to his passenger, who was staring back with love struck eyes.

 _"It's like I'm stuck inside a bad fanfiction..."_

* * *

No flames plz! Don't like, don't read! That's the rule of fanfiction.

Anyway, I got a lot of inspiration from anime I like.

Anyway, how did you like my villains?! I _love_ them! They're so original and evil and have really original names and personalities!

Anyway, thanks for reading this Morby/Mordeson! I wonder what happens next! :0


	2. Problems Being Me

Hey guys! :D :) ;D I'm back! I was inspired soooo much by the other stories that I had to write this one!

Thank you goys so much for the reviews!

Also, here's chapater too. NSFW and trigger warnings for ableism, heteronormality, and graphic content

* * *

"So Rigby," Mordecai began as they drove in the cart on their way to the coffee shop.

"Y-Y-Yesss...?" Rigby stuttered nervously as he gazed at his one true love. His palms were dripping with sweat, and so were his forehead, arms, butt, and toenails. " _This could be it! He could be telling me he loves me! FINALLY! We'll get married and we'll punch margaret together in the face, with love, and then have steamy hot sex immediately in our room. That is perfect and is the only thing that will happen!"_

"I've just been thinking-"

"Nnnnnhhhnnngggnn."

Mordecai froze for a second with a confused look, "I've just been wondering, what has been with you lately? You've been acting really weird?"

Rigby began slamming his head on the dashboard while screaming. Thankfully the cart was at a red light and Mordecai was able to gaze in stupification without careening straight into a foreign deli. The raccoon stopped and yelled, "IT'S BECAUSE I'M WEIRD, HUH? IT'S BECAUSE I HAVE A CONDITION?!"

"W-What? Dude, no, well maybe."

Mordecai said it. He actually just said it. "Maybe." That was Rigby's trigger warning. (I know what triggers are because of tumblr and they showed me. Seeing bad stories of heteronormality on fanfiction is why I need feminism).

"GRRRHHHHGGG THAT'S MY TRIGGER!" Rigby screamed as he leaped out of the cart into oncoming traffic.

As this visual catastrophe was unfolding, Mordecai began to lose interest and was looking elsewhere. He saw a poster that stunned him. "Dude," Mordecai said in awe.

Rigby stopped his tomfoolery and crept next to him, "Yeah?"

"Look."

The bros were stunned. The national traditional centennial bilingual annual video game competition was next friday. And today was thursday. Which mean the competition was eight days away. That's 1, 2, 4, 3, 5, 5, 7, 8 days!

"Duuuuuude, we have to do that!" Mordecai stated.

"Yeah, man!" Rigby said, while thinking " _Anything for you Mordecai *heart*"_

 _Later at the coffeeshop_

"He peed on your rug?" CJ inquired with a jokingly confused face.

"Yeah, he peed on my rug!" Mordecai responded with genuine angst.

"On your rug?"

"Yeah, you don't just go peeing on another guy's rug!"

"Is that like some sort of bro code or something? 'Thou shalt not piss on thy fellow man's rug-'th.'" CJ joked.

Mordecai looked sternly yet comedically, "This isn't a laughing matter, this is serious." He took a drink from his coffee as he muttered, "It really tied the room together."

Mordecai glanced at Rigby sitting next to him. The raccoon was, understandably, foaming at the mouth and convulsing as he continuously glanced between the two. _"How dare Mordecai like her instead of me! He hates me! He doesn't respect our friendship and I hope he gets hit by a bus!"_

Eileen came to the table with a tray of stuff. "Hey Rigby," she said, blushing.

"NO!" Rigby screamed as he thrashed his arms and caused her tray to fly in the air, breaking everything. Yes, everything. Eileen cried. She cried and cryed and ran into the bathroom and cut herself multi tiems.

All of a sudden, Benson was pressed against the coffee shop windows, peering in at Mrodecai. He was also entranced by the hotty hot hotness that was the male blue jay.

"So, what else is going on?" CJ asked to keep the conversation alive.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, why don't _YOU_ shut up every once in a while? !" Rigby screamed as he threw his coffee cup across the room in anger. " _CJ this, CJ that!_ Do you know how obnoxious you sound and that nobody likes you?!"

"Excuse me?!" CJ responded, offended (even tho she shouldn't be :( I hate her!)

"Dude, Rigby, what the hell, man?" Mordecai said angered.

Rigby turned and clasped onto Mordecai's shoulders, "Why don't you spend more time with me?!"

"We were literally hanging out this morning! Dude, you're insane!" Mordecai said as he crowbared Rigby off of him.

CJ's tone immediately changed. You know, it was like a sudden short circuit, like her body made a short physical jerk. "You know what, Rigby's right! I hate you Mordecai!"

"What?"

She immediately looked on her phone, disinterested, not caring at all for anything that was going on with Mordecai and had a frustrated look on her.

"CJ, I don't understand," Mordecai was aghast.

"Excuse me, can I help you?!" CJ said in frustration as she looked up from her mobile device.

"This makes absolutely no sense!"

Just then Margaret came in, "Mordecai!"

Everyone turned, even Benson, and gasped. "Oh J***s C***st," Mordecai muttered. (I censored you know who so I wouldn't trigger minorities).

"I also hate Mordecai and am now gay because I hate Mordecai that much!" she announced with a bullhorn.

Rigby and Benson both felt like fainting so they did. Now that CJ and MArgaret are at odds with Mordecai, this is the perfect opportunity to go out with him. It's like some awkward twelve year old's dream come true! At last, they could turn Mordecai gay and go out with him.

Mordecai was still confused as the entire cafe began arguing amongst themselves about who was better for Mordecai: CJ or Margaret. Obviously, the real question should be Benson or Rigby. Those prunes. Chairs were being thrown and smashed coffee mug glass as knives. It was a full out brawl.

The blue jay simply stood up and left. He muttered in frustration, "They peed on my f****** rug..."

 _Even later_

Mordecai was chilling on the couch. He was too exasperated and slightly depressed to move.

Like a true bro, Thomas came in, "H-H-Hey M-Mordecai, how's it going?" I also forgot to mention that Thomas is a massive pansy.

"Just a whole lot of stuff, man. Two guys came and peed on my rug"

"oh wow" Thomas nervously interrupted, feeling the need to be of some sort of relevance.

"Rigby and Benson are being really creepy"

"yeah"

"And now CJ is fighting with me for no reason... Also, I have that video game competition coming up I want to try for."

Thomas smiled, "W-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-"

He lost his train of thought. He left the room, shamed by his social awkwardness. Mordecai rolled his eyes and slumped back into the couch.

"WELL!"

"AGGHH!" Mordecai was startled as Thomas climbed headfirst down the chimney. Don't ask why. If confused, don't like, don't read.

"I can help you w-w-w-with one of those problems," he said blushing.

"Really?" Mordecai responded, skeptical.

"I can solve your girlfriend problem."

"How?"

Thomas smirked as he went to lean on the tv but missed and fell flat on his back. "Just trust me."

Mordecai shook his head, "Whatever, man. I just want a new rug." He lay back on the couch and began to drift off.

He fell as- _gasp!_ Is this the weird dream sequence? Is it?! The kind with Forshadow and symbolismmic imagery?!

Unfortunately not, as Mordecai was awkokened by Thomas. "M-Mm-Mordecai."

The blue jay looked up. "What is it man?"

"We got this letter in the mail just now, and it's f-f-f-f-f-for you."

Mordecai grabbed the envelope and opened it. Inside was a piece of paper written in those cheesy magazine cutouts.

 _Mo_ RDec ai,

 _We_ want **_2_** me _AT_ yU 4 our  meeting.

 ** _BIG BLOWOUT SALE_** tonight _AT_ the Lake _at_ MIDNIGHT.  **_CUM ALL OV_** alone.

 _NO **FUNNY**_ stuff !

 _F & L_

"Oh, you have to be kidding me," Mordecai sighed.

"Wh-at is it, senpai?" Thomas asked.

"The two guys who peed on my carpet want me to meet them at the lake. Probably to do some stupid yoga dance then threaten me another time.

"Oh," Thomas perked up, "I can help you with that. Come pick me up by the snack shop in fifteen minutes."

"Aaaalright, whatever."

"The codename is 'The eagle flies north by the man with the trout on the bridge who faces east!'" he shouted as he sprinted away in haste.

"Okay," Mordecai shrugged as he plopped back down on the couch for a quick video game session.

 _Even Later Further_

Mordecai drove the golf cart through the park on the way to the snack shop. The night sky was nearly pitch black and the only light came from the cart headlights.

He neared the snack shop and muttered, "Oh, dear G**, Thomas!"

The afformentioned goat was wearing a brown trenchcoat and had mirror sunglasses on. He casually walked towards the cart and got in. "Password?" he muttered.

"What?"

"I said password!"

"What are you talking about passwords, you just saw me!"

"I specifically arranged a password system and you have broken it!"

"Whatever, can we just go?"

"Fine. Disrupt the natural order of arranged meetings. I'm driving!" At once Thomas slid his body under Mordecai's and threw the blue jay in the passenger seat, garnering " _What's?"_ and _"What the hells?"_ for the entire ten second duration. "Basic rule of thumb, you never keep the vehicle below twenty-five miles per hour."

"Who said that, really?" Mordecai inquired, stressed.

"Well I did."

"Yeah-really?"

"...No, but I should have!"

All of a sudden, Mordecai's cell phone rang. He answered it, "Hello?"

 _"You are coming to ze meeting, ja?!"_

"Who is that?!" Thomas screamed.

"Yeah, I'm coming, _Would you keep it down?"_

" _Vho is that?"_

"No one!" Thomas said, "Tell them I'm no one!"

"Jeez, he's no one. He's the driver," Mordecai admitted.

 _"I thought ve'd said you come alone!"_

Thomas sperged, "I didn't promise anything you gypsy heathens!"

"Look, he's just driving me there and-" Mordecai was cut off as the phone hung up. He threw his arms in the air in frustration, "You see what you did?"

"I handled it perfectly."

"Why did I ever agree to let you come with me?!"

The phone rang again as Thomas spoke, "Mordecai, this is a very delicate process that you can't handle."

Mordecai shook his head as he answered, "Hello?"

 _"Okay, you still come to meeting, Ja."_

The phone cut to the beeping before Mordecai could even hope to respond.

"Aha! Now we'll get them!" Thomas said as he opened his trenchcoat. He pulled out a gun.

"DUDE WHAT THE HELL?!"

"Don't worry, Mordecai. This is an Israeli Defense Force Uzi Machine Gun, 9 by 19 parabellum."

"What the-?"

"It fires 600 rounds per minute with an effective range of 200 yards."

"This is insane!"

"Mordecai take the wheel!" Thomas shouted as he threw his arms up in the air. Mordecai lunged for the wheel just in time to save the two from careening into a ditch. Thomas reloaded a fresh _MAGAZINE_ (not a clip you dunderheads!) and racked the bolt back. "We'll show those gypsy chechens what real operating is like! When I say three, we jump from the car!"

"WHAT?!"

Thomas sped the cart up to 30 mph. "We're approaching the lake! Get ready!"

40 mph.

The lake was just in sight.

"THIS IS INSANE!"

Thomas roared, "We _Will_ have revenge for Rhodesia!"

50 mph.

The goat began to sing, "Because we're, _all_ Rhodesians and we'll fight through thick and thin!"

"THIS IS INSANE!"

60 mph. They were right on the drop off point, though the Austrians were not in sight.

"AVE NEX ALEHA!" Thomas belched as he leaped from the cart and slammed on the ground. Mordecai threw himself on the wheel but lost control. Thomas rolled and tumbled on the dirt, bruising his entire body. His Uzi came loose and randomly began spraying bullets in all directions. Mordecai ducked as rounds hit the back end of the cart, roof, and rear view mirror. His cart quickly swirved into a tree just as Mordecai rolled out and twisted his arm. Suddenly, the cart caught fire out of nowhere.

The injured and worn blue jay was crawling in the dirt, one handful at a time, as he made his way from the wreckage. Two pairs of feet arrived inches from his face. Mordecai looked up to see Flarret and Larry standing over him, hands on hips and smirking.

"This vasn't part of the deal, Ja!"

"Ja! This vasn't part of the deal at all!"

"Ve come back later, Ja!"

"Ja!"

"Ja!"

They both turned and skipped off like gypsies while laughing "HughHughHughHughHugh!"

Mordecai reached out, "No, goddamnit, I have to deal with them again."

He got up, wandered from the fire to the house, made it up to his room, brushed aside Benson taking pictures, and collapsed on his bed without acknowledging Rigby doodling nudes of themselves.

Mordecai quickly drifted off, dreaming of a new rug and video games.

* * *

Here's chapater 2! :D

What did you guys think?! No flames plz :'( it hurts my fragile self esteem!

And abby, I like your ideas!

I'll be taking OC requests! But only PM though, because its against the rules in the comments *angry face because FF doesn't save the frown eyebrows*

See ya! ;P


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